I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early
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A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."
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On a given night, 2 deathrow inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor admisnisters to the other condemned man in his cell.
"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block. The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screaming about?"
Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first execution "by candles".
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There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."
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This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his penis in her hand.
Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman."
The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says "Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have?" Husband replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease."
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A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
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